The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool (спасатель сказал матери, чтобы она заставила своего сына перестать писать в бассейн; to urinate [`ju∂rıneıt]).

"Everyone knows (все знают)," the mother lectured him (стала его поучать, отчитывать), "that from time to time (что время от времени), young children urinate in a pool."

"Oh really? (неужели)" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!?!? (с трамплина: "с ныряльной доски"; to dive - прыгать в воду, нырять)"

The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.
"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool."
"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!?!?"



Oh really?

И еще один анекдот:

A woman wanted a divorce (женщина хотела развода). She went to the courthouse (она пришла в суд; court - двор /короля/; суд) and appeared before the judge (и предстала: «появилась» перед судьей).

The judge reviewed her petition and asked (судья просмотрел ее прошение и спросил), "Do you have grounds? (у вас есть основания)"

The woman looked at him quizzically (пытливо, с недоумением; to quiz - смотреть насмешливо или с любопытством /уст./) and said, "Grounds? Well, yes, your Honor (ваша Честь), we do have about an acre and a half (у нас что-то около полутора акров: «акр и половина» /слово «ground» имеет несколько значений, здесь: 1) основание, повод 2) земля/)."

"No," said the judge, "What I mean is, do you have a grudge? (я имею в виду, вы испытываете недовольство; to have a grudge against somebody - иметь «зуб» на кого-либо)"

The bewildered (сбитая с толку) woman replied, "No, we just have a carport (нет, у нас стоянка /слова grudge (недовольство) и garage (гараж) похожи по звучанию/)."

The judge was becoming frustrated (начал нервничать). "You're not getting the point (вы не понимаете смысла /вопроса/: «не получаете, не схватываете суть»)," he said. "Does he beat you up? (он с вами плохо обращается, бьет вас; to beat - бить; побеждать; to beat up - избивать, обходиться со зверской жестокостью)"

The woman replied, "Oh, no I'm up at 6:30 (я встаю, уже на ногах в 6.30) and he doesn't get up until 7:00 (а он не поднимается до семи)."

The judge was exasperated (был рассержен, выведен из себя). He looked at the woman and asked: "Look, lady, why are you here? (послушайте, леди, зачем вы здесь) What reason do you have for wanting a divorce? (какая причина у вас есть, чтобы желать развода)"

The woman replied, "Because my husband and I have a communication problem (потому что у моего мужа и у меня есть проблема с общением = мы плохо понимаем друг друга)."



A woman wanted a divorce. She went to the courthouse and appeared before the judge.

The judge reviewed her petition and asked, "Do you have grounds?"

The woman looked at him quizzically and said, "Grounds? Well, yes, your Honor, we do have about an acre and a half."

"No," said the judge, "What I mean is, do you have a grudge?"

The bewildered woman replied, "No, we just have a carport."

The judge was becoming frustrated. "You're not getting the point," he said. "Does he beat you up?"

The woman replied, "Oh, no I'm up at 6:30 and he doesn't get up until 7:00."

The judge was exasperated. He looked at the woman and asked: "Look, lady, why are you here? What reason do you have for wanting a divorce?"

The woman replied, "Because my husband and I have a communication problem."



You're not getting the point.

After just a few years of marriage (через несколько лет после женитьбы), filled with constant arguments (наполненной постоянными спорами), a young man and his wife decided (молодой человек и его жена решили) the only way to save their marriage (что единственный способ спасти их брак) was to try counseling (это попробовать обратиться к психологу: «попробовать консультацию, проконсультироваться»). They had been at each other's throat for some time (они уже чуть не вцеплялись друг другу в горло: «они были при глотке друг друга некоторое время») and felt that this was their last straw (и чувствовали, что это их последняя соломинка /to feel-felt-felt/). When they arrived at the counselor's office (когда они пришли к психологу: «советнику»), the counselor jumped right in (сразу принялся за дело: «впрыгнул») and opened the floor for discussion (и открыл дискуссию; floor - пол, настил; места для членов /законодательного/ собрания).

"What seems to be the problem? (что представляется проблемой)"

Immediately (немедленно), the husband held his long face down (опускает свое длинное = вытянувшееся лицо вниз) without anything to say (не имея что сказать). On the other hand (с другой стороны, напротив же), the wife began talking 90 miles an hour (жена начала говорить со скоростью 90 миль в час /to begin-began-begun/) describing all the wrongs within their marriage (описывая все «неправильности» в: «внутри» их брака). After 5 - 10 - 15 minutes of listening to the wife (после пяти - десяти - пятнадцати минут «слушания» супруги), the counselor went over to her (подошел к ней), picked her up by her shoulders (взял: «подхватил» ее за плечи), kissed her passionately (поцеловал ее страстно; passion - страсть) for several minutes (в течение нескольких минут), and sat her back down (и посадил ее обратно /to sit-sat-sat/). Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless (после этого жена сидела там безмолвно; speech - речь).

He looked over at the husband (он оглянулся на мужа) who was staring in disbelief (кто в изумлении, не веря своим глазам смотрел: «уставился, глазел»; belief - вера, верование) at what had happened (на то, что произошло). The counselor spoke to the husband (заговорил с мужем /to speak-spoke-spoken/), "Your wife NEEDS that (ваша жена нуждается в этом) at least twice a week! (по крайней мере дважды в неделю)"

The husband scratched his head (почесал голову) and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays (я могу приводить ее сюда по вторникам и четвергам)."



After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?"

Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 - 10 - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."



What seems to be the problem?

Your wife needs that at least twice a week!



И еще один анекдот:

Two Jewish women were sitting under hair dryers at the hairdresser (две еврейские женщины сидели под сушилками в парикмахерской; dry - сухой; to dry - сушить).

Sadie says, "So now, Monah, how's your family? (ну, Мона, как твоя семья)"

Monah responds, (отвечает) "Oh just fine (в порядке: «просто отлично, прекрасно»; fine - тонкий, утонченный; прекрасный, превосходный). My daughter is married to the most wonderful man (моя дочь замужем за самым чудесным мужчиной). She never has to cook (ей никогда не приходится готовить), he always takes her out (он всегда выводит ее в свет, ходит с ней куда-либо). She never has to clean (она не должна убираться; clean - чистый; to clean - чистить), he got her a maid (он нанял ей служанку). She never has to work (работать), he's got such a good job (у него такая хорошая работа). She never has to worry about the children (ей никогда не приходится волноваться о детях), he got her a nanny (он взял ей няню)."

Sadie then asks, "And how is your son these days? (а как ваш сын сейчас: «в эти дни» = как он поживает)"

Monah says, "Just awful (просто ужасно). He is married (он женат) to such a witch of a woman (на такой ведьме). She makes him take her out to dinner every night (она заставляет его водить ее на ужин каждый вечер), she never cooks a dish (никогда не готовит; dish - блюдо). She made him get her a maid (она заставила его взять служанку), God forbid (боже упаси) she should vacuum a carpet (если она почистит ковер /пылесосом/). He has to work like a dog (он должен работать, как собака) because she won't get a job and she never takes care of their children (потому что она не хочет устроиться на работу: «получить, взять работу» и она никогда не занимается детьми, не заботится о детях), because she made him get her a nanny! (потому что она заставила его взять ей няню)"



Two Jewish women were sitting under hair dryers at the hairdresser.

Sadie says, "So now, Monah, how's your family?"

Monah responds, "Oh just fine. My daughter is married to the most wonderful man. She never has to cook, he always takes her out. She never has to clean, he got her a maid. She never has to work, he's got such a good job. She never has to worry about the children, he got her a nanny."

Sadie then asks, "And how is your son these days?"

Monah says, "Just awful. He is married to such a witch of a woman. She makes him take her out to dinner every night, she never cooks a dish. She made him get her a maid, God forbid she should vacuum a carpet. He has to work like a dog because she won't get a job and she never takes care of their children, because she made him get her a nanny!"



How's your family?

Just awful.

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway (когда пожилой гражданин ехал по автостраде), his car phone rang (его телефон зазвонил /to ring-rang-rung/). Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him (взяв трубку: «отвечая», он услышал голос его жены, настоятельно предупреждающей его), "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 (Герман, я сейчас слышала в новостях, что "есть" машина, едущая по встречной полосе на шоссе 280). Please be careful! (пожалуйста, будь осторожен)"

"Heck (черт)," said Herman, "It's not just one car (это не одна машина). It's hundreds of them! (их сотни)"



As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"



Please be careful!



Abe goes to see his rabbi (идет навестить: «повидать» своего рабби).

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening (что-то ужасное происходит) and I have to talk to you about it (и мне нужно поговорить с вами об этом)."

The rabbi asked, "What's wrong, Abe? (что случилось: «что неправильно»)"

Abe replied, "My wife is poisoning me (отравляет меня; poison - яд)."

The rabbi was very surprised (удивлен) by this and asks, "How can that be? (как это возможно: «может быть»)"

Abe then pleads (уверяет; to pead - защищать /в суде/; обращаться с просьбой; просить, умолять), "I'm telling you (я вам говорю), I'm certain (я уверен) she's poisoning me, what should I do? (что я должен делать = что мне делать)"

The rabbi then offers (тогда предлагает), "Tell you what (вот что я тебе скажу). Let me talk to her (позволь мне поговорить с ней), I'll see what I can find out (я погляжу, что я смогу выяснить; to find - находить) and I'll let you know (и я дам тебе знать)."

A week later the rabbi calls (зовет; звонит) Abe and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife (я говорил с твоей женой /to speak-spoke-spoken/). I spoke to her on the phone (по телефону) for three hours (в течение трех часов). You want my advice? (хочешь мой совет)"

Abe anxiously says (тревожно), "Yes."

"Take the poison (прими яд)," says the rabbi.



Abe goes to see his rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The rabbi asked, "What's wrong, Abe?"
Abe replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The rabbi was very surprised by this and asks, "How can that be?"
Abe then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the rabbi calls Abe and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
Abe anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the rabbi.

What's wrong?

What should I do?

Let me talk to her.

I'll see what I can find out.

I'll let you know.

You want my advice?

A patient came to his dentist (пациент пришел к своему дантисту) with problems with his teeth (с проблемами с зубами).

Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth (у меня желтые зубы), what do I do? (что мне делать)

Dentist: Wear a brown tie! (носите коричневый галстук; to wear [wε∂®])



A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth.
Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?
Dentist: Wear a brown tie!

What do I do?




Doctor: What seems to be the trouble? (что представляется проблемой)

Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling (доктор, у меня постоянно такое чувство: «продолжаю получать чувство») that nobody can hear what I say (что никто не слышит, что я говорю).

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?



Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?



What seems to be the trouble?

И правда полезная темка ! ходовой повседневный язык, не книжный!
мне особенно понравилось про психолога 2 раза в неделю с волшебными поцелуями
и про It's hundreds of them

ага, хотя It's hundreds вроде бы неправильно грамматически американцы вроде бы так говорят... надо понаблюдать)))) ну я-то точно говорю... there are будет наверное грамотней все таки))))

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation (две пожилые четы наслаждались дружеской беседой) when one of the men asked the other (когда один из мужчин спросил другого), "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month? (ну и как "клиника памяти" - т.е.: восстановления памяти), в которую ты ходил в прошлом месяце)"

"Outstanding (замечательно; outstanding - выдающийся)," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me (нас научили нас всем последним психологическим приемам: визуализации, ассоциации - это "сделало" огромную разницу для меня = это мне очень помогло; psychological [saık∂`lodżık∂l] techniques [tek`ni:ks])."

"That's great! What was the name of the clinic? (как называлась клиника)"

Fred went blank (был озадачен; blank - озадаченный, смущенный). He thought and thought, but couldn't remember (он думал и думал, но не мог вспомнить).

Then a smile broke across his face (затем улыбка появилась /to break - здесь: проступить/ на его лице) and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns? (как ты называешь = как называется тот цветок, с длинным стеблем и шипами)"

"You mean a rose? (ты имеешь в виду розу)"

"Yes, that's it! (точно, вот именно: «это /есть/ оно»)"

He turned to his wife… (он повернулся к жене) "Rose, what was the name of that clinic? (Роза, как называлась та клиника)"



Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visulization, association - it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!"

He turned to his wife… "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"



It made a huge difference for me.

That's great!

Yes, that's it!



И еще один анекдот:

There is an envelope (конверт; envelope [`∂nvıl∂up]) on the windshield (на лобовом стекле: wind - ветер + shield - щит) with a note of apology (с извинительной запиской) and two tickets to a music concert (и двумя билетами на "музыкальный концерт"). The note reads (записка гласит), "I apologize for taking your car (я извиняюсь за "взятие" = за то, что взял вашу машину), but my wife was having a baby (но моя жена начала рожать) and I had to hot-wire your ignition (мне пришлось включить ваше зажигание; hot - горячий; wire - проволока; провод) to rush her to the hospital (чтобы примчать ее в госпиталь). Please forgive the inconvenience (пожалуйста, извините за неудобство; inconvenience [ınk∂n`vınıens]). Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks (здесь два билета на сегодняшний вечерний концерт Гарта Брукса), the country-and-western music star (звезду стиля кантри-и-вестерн)."

Their faith in humanity restored (/после того, как/ их вера в человечество восстановилась), the couple attends the concert (пара посещает концерт) and returns home late (и возвращается домой поздно). They find their house has been robbed (они находят, обнаруживают, что их дом был ограблен). Valuable goods have been taken (ценные вещи взяты) from throughout the house ("из всего дома"), from basement to attic (от подвала: «фундамента» до чердака). And, there is a note on the door reading (гласящая), "Well, you still have your car (ну, у вас по-прежнему = все же еще есть ваша машина). I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I? (я должен провести моего новорожденного ребенка через колледж как-нибудь, каким-либо способом, не так ли = мне же приходится думать, на какие деньги я дам образование своему ребенку)"



There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."
Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attends the concert and returns home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"



I apologize for taking your car.

Please forgive the inconvenience.

A man went into a bar in a high rise (человек вошел в бар в приподнятом настроении). He saw another man take a pill (он видел, как другой принимает таблетку), take a drink (запивает), walk to the window (подходит к окну) and jump out (выпрыгивает). He flew around (покружил: «полетал вокруг» /to fly-flew-flown/) for a minute (с минуту) and zipped (молнией влетел: to zip - застегивать на молнию; промелькнуть) back into the bar.

As the amazed (пораженный) newcomer (вновь прибывший) watched (смотрел, наблюдал), the man repeated this (повторил это) twice more (еще дважды). Finally (в конце концов) the man asked (человек спросил) if he could have a pill (можно ли ему съесть пилюлю = таблетку). The flier (летун) said it was his last one (сказал, что у него есть, осталась одна последняя).

The man offered (предложил) five hundred dollars (500 долларов) to no avail (безрезультатно), so he made a final offer (он сделал последнее предложение) of a thousand dollars (1000 долларов). The man said that it was all he had on him (это все, что у него есть: «имеет при себе»).

The flier reluctantly gave in (неохотно уступил; to give in - уступать; сдаваться), took the cash (взял деньги), surrendered (уступил) the pill, and turned back to the bar (вернулся к барной стойке). The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death (только чтобы разбиться насмерть). The bartender walked over (приблизился) to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass (вытирая стакан), said, "You sure are mean (ты точно противный, злой = какой же ты противный) when you're drunk (когда ты пьян), Superman (Супермен)."



A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."



It is all I have on me.

You sure are mean when you're drunk!



И еще один анекдот:

A black family went to the zoo (семья чернокожих пришла в зоопарк) and stopped in front of the cage with the elephant (и остановились перед клеткой со слоном). The young son (маленький сын) asked his mother, "Mama, what's that thing hangin' off dat (= that) elephant? (мама, что это за вещь, которая болтается у того слона)"

"That's his tail, son (это его хвост, сынок)."

"No, mama, dat other thing! (это другая штука)"

"Oh, that's his trunk, son (о, это его хобот, сынок)."

"No, mama, dat other thing between his legs! (между его ногами)"

"Uh, that's nothin' (= nothing - о, это ничего)," replies the mother.

Undaunted (не смутившись; to daunt - укрощать, устрашать; undaunted - неустрашимый), the boy asks his father, "Daddy, daddy, what's dat thing hangin' off dat elephant?"

"That's his tail, son."

"No, daddy, dat other thing!"

"That's his trunk, son."

"No daddy, dat other thing between his legs!"

"Oh, that's his penis, son."

"Well, I asked mama and she said it was nothing! (а я спросил маму, и она сказала, что это ничего, ерунда)"

"Son," replied the father, "I spoiled that woman! (я избаловал эту женщину)"



A black family went to the zoo and the cage with the elephant. The young son asked his mother, "Mama, what's that thing hangin' off dat elephant?"

"That's his tail, son."

"No, mama, dat other thing!"

"Oh, that's his trunk, son."

"No, mama, dat other thing between his legs!"

"Uh, that's nothin'," replies the mother.

Undaunted, the boy asks his father, "Daddy, daddy, what's dat thing hangin' off dat elephant?"

"That's his tail, son."

"No, daddy, dat other thing!"

"That's his trunk, son."

"No daddy, dat other thing between his legs!"

"Oh, that's his penis, son."

"Well, I asked mama and she said it was nothin'!"

"Son," replied the father, "I spoiled that woman!"



I spoiled that woman!

A man walked (один человек пришел: «вошел») into a lawyer's office (в адвокатскую контору) and inquired (спросил, осведомился) about the lawyer's rates (о расценках, сколько берет).
"$50.00 for three questions (за три вопроса)," replied the lawyer (ответил адвокат).
"Isn't that awfully steep? («разве это не ужасно дорого»; steep - высокий, крутой)" asked the man (спросил этот человек).
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question? (а каков ваш третий вопрос)"



A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions," replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"



Isn't that awfully steep?

И еще один анекдот:

The first Jewish President (первый еврейский президент = первый еврей, ставший американским президентом) calls his mother (звонит своей матери) in Queens (- район Нью-Йорка) and invites her for Chanukah (и приглашает ее на Хануку).

"I'd like to (я бы хотела, я бы с удовольствием)," she says, "but it's so much trouble... (но это такая проблема: «такое беспокойство») First (во-первых), I have to get a cab (мне нужно взять такси) to the airport, and I hate waiting (терпеть не могу ожидание; to hate - ненавидеть) on Queens Boulevard..."

"Mom! I'm President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One! (я пришлю спец. самолет /ВВС/; force - сила)"

"Yes, but when we land (но когда мы приземлимся) I'll still have to carry my luggage (мне все еще = все равно придется нести мой багаж) through (через) the airport... And try to find (попытаться найти) a cab... And you know what holiday crowds are like... (а ты знаешь, что такое: «на что похожи» праздничные толпы)"

"Mom! I'll have a helicopter to pick you up! (у меня будет вертолет, чтобы подобрать тебя) You'll go straight (ты отправишься прямо) from the plane to my front lawn! (с самолета на мою переднюю лужайку = перед домом)"
"I don't know... (не знаю) I'd still need a hotel room (мне все равно будет нужен номер в гостинице). And hotels are so expensive… (так дороги) and they're not like they used to be... (не такие, как были раньше)"

"Ma! You'll stay at the White House! (ты остановишься в Белом Доме)"

"Well..." She thinks. "I guess (я думаю; to guess - угадать, отгадать; /амер./ считать, предполагать), O.K." she sighs (вздыхает), "I'll come... for you (я приеду… ради тебя)."

That afternoon (в тот же день /после полудня/; noon - полдень), she's talking on the phone (она говорит по телефону) with one of her friends (с одной из своих подруг). "What's new? (что нового)" The friend asks.

"I'm visiting my son for Chanukah (я поеду в гости к сыну на Хануку)."

"The doctor?"

"No... the other one (нет, к другому)."



The first Jewish President calls his mother in Queens and invites her for Chanukah.

"I'd like to," she says, "but it's so much trouble... First, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Boulevard..."

"Mom! I'm President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One!"

"Yes, but when we land I'll still have to carry my luggage through the airport... An try to find a cab... And you know what holiday crowds are like..."

"Mom! I'll have a helicopter to pick you up! You'll go straight from the plane to my front lawn!"
"I don't know... I'd still need a hotel room. And hotels are so expensive… and they're not like they used to be..."

"Ma! You'll stay at the White House!"

"Well..." She thinks. "I guess. O.K." she sighs, "I'll come... for you."

That afternoon, she's talking on the phone with one of her friends. "What's new?" The friend asks.

"I'm visiting my son for Chanukah."

"The doctor?"

"No... the other one."



I'd like to, but it's so much trouble.

And hotels are not like they used to be...

What's new?

Кааааакая темка!!!!!
Радулька, малаца!

Ренба! Клёёва! Анекдоты с сурдопереводом!!!

The saleswoman (продавщица; to sale - продавать) watched as a teen-ager twirled in front of the mirror (наблюдала, как тинэйджер вертится перед зеркалом).

"I adore this dress! (я обожаю = мне очень нравится это платье)" bubbled the girl (пробормотала /восторженно/ девочка, вырвалось у девочки; bubble - пузырь; to bubble - пузыриться, кипеть; бить ключом). "It's absolutely perfect! (оно совершенно замечательное) I'll take it! (я его возьму)"

Then the young shopper paused thoughtfully (затем молоденькая покупательница остановилась, помолчала задумчиво), "But in case my mother likes it (но в том случае, если оно понравится моей маме), can I bring it back? (могу я его вернуть)"



The saleswoman watched as a teen-ager twirled in front of the mirror.

"I adore this dress!" bubbled the girl. "It's absolutely perfect! I'll take it!"

Then the young shopper paused thoughtfully, "But in case my mother likes it, can I bring it back?"



I adore this dress!

I'll take it!



И еще один анекдот:

Moishe had been single (был холост) for a long time (долгое время). One day, he excitedly tells his mother (он возбужденно сообщает своей матери) that he's fallen in love at last (что он влюбился наконец) and he is going to get married (и собирается жениться). She is obviously overjoyed (она очевидно переполнена радостью; joy - радость).

Moishe then tells his mother, "Just for fun (просто, только ради шутки), Mum, I'm going to bring over 3 women (я приведу сюда трех женщин) and you try and guess (постарайся угадать) which one I'm going to marry (на которой я собираюсь жениться)."

His mother agrees (соглашается).

The next day (на следующий день), Moishe brings 3 beautiful women into the house (приводит в дом трех красивых женщин) and sits them down on the couch (и усаживает их на диван) and they all chat for a while (и все они болтают какое-то время; a while - промежуток времени). Then Moishe turns (поворачивается) to his mother and says, "Okay, Mum. Guess which one I'm going to marry?"

She immediately (сразу) replies, "The redhead in the middle (рыжая в середине)."

"That's amazing (удивительно) Mum. You're right (ты права = угадала»). How did you know? (как ты узнала)"

"I don't like her (она мне не нравится)."



Moishe had been single for a long time. One day, he excitedly tells his mother that he's fallen in love at last and he is going to get married. She is obviously overjoyed.

Moishe then tells his mother, "Just for fun, Mum, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

His mother agrees.

The next day, Moishe brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they all chat for a while. Then Moishe turns to his mother and says, "Okay, Mum. Guess which one I'm going to marry?"

She immediately replies, "The redhead in the middle."

"That's amazing, Mum. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her."



Just for fun.

That's amazing!

A man speaks frantically into the phone (человек говорит взволнованно в телефон; frantic - неистовый, лихорадочный), "My wife is pregnant (моя жена беременна), and her contractions are only two minutes apart! (и у нее схватки с промежутком в две минуты; apart - в стороне, отдельно, порознь)"

"Is this her first child? (это ее первый ребенок)" - the doctor queries (доктор спрашивает).

"No, you idiot! (нет, вы идиот; idiot [`ıdı∂t])" the man shouts (кричит). "This is her husband! (это ее муж)"



A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"



No, you idiot!

И еще один анекдот:

A woman got on a bus holding a baby (женщина села в автобус, держа на руках ребенка).

The bus driver said (водитель автобуса сказал), "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen (это самый уродливый ребенок, какого я когда-либо видел)."

In a huff (в гневе; huff - вспышка гнева), the woman slammed her fare into the fare box (женщина швырнула деньги в ящик для оплаты проезда; fare - плата за проезд; to slam - хлопнуть /дверью/; швырнуть /со стуком/) and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus (и заняла сиденье около прохода в задней части автобуса; aisle [aıl]).

The man seated next to her (человек, сидящий рядом с ней) sensed that she was agitated (почувствовал, что она взволнована) and asked her what was wrong (и спросил ее, что случилось).

"The bus driver insulted me (водитель автобуса оскорбил меня)," she fumed (сказала, кипя от злости; fume - дым или пар /с сильным запахом/; to fume - дымить, окуривать).

The man sympathized (посочувствовал) and said, "Why, he's a public servant (да, ведь он «общественный служащий») and shouldn't say things to insult passengers (и не должен говорить оскорбительные для пассажиров вещи; "вещи, чтобы оскорблять пассажиров")."

"You're right (вы правы)," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind (думаю, я вернусь туда и скажу ему все, что я думаю: "дам ему кусок моего разумения")."

"That's a good idea (хорошая идея)," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey (давайте, я подержу вашу обезьянку)."



A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."



What's wrong?

You are right.

какой жизненный анекдот

P.S. Вот объясните мне пожалуйста, зачем человек, который ни слова по-английски не знает (это я про себя) зашел в эту тему???? Ведь ничто не предвещало перевода...

Three guys were fishing in a lake one day (трое человек рыбачили на озере однажды), when an angel appeared in the boat (когда ангел возник в лодке).

When the three astonished (изумленные) men had settled down enough to speak (пришли в себя настолько, чтобы говорить; to settle - поселиться, водвориться; успокоиться), the first guy asked the angel humbly (робко), "I've suffered (мучаюсь) from back pain (болью в спине) ever since I took shrapnel (с тех самых пор, как я получил осколки) in the Vietnam War… (во Вьетнамской войне) Could you help me? (ты мог бы помочь мне)"

"Of course (конечно)," the angel said, and when he touched (дотронулся) the man's back, the man felt relief (почувствовал облегчение /to feel-felt-felt/) for the first time in years (первый раз за годы).

The second guy wore very thick glasses (второй парень носил очень толстые очки /to wear-wore-wore/) and had a hard time reading and driving (и ему было тяжело: "имел тяжелое время" читать и водить машину). He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight (не мог бы ангел сделать что-нибудь с его плохим: «жалким» зрением).

The angel smiled (улыбнулся), removed (снял) the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake (швырнул их в озеро). When they hit the water (когда они ударились о воду), the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly (глаза человека "прояснились", и он смог видеть все отчетливо).

When the angel turned to the third guy (к третьему), the guy put his hands out defensively (выставил руки, защищаясь) - "Don't touch me! (не трогай меня)" he cried (воскликнул), "I'm on a disability pension (я на инвалидном пособии; disability [dıza`bılıtı] - нетрудоспособность)."



Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat.
When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War... Could you help me?"
"Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.
The second guy wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight.
The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.
When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively - "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."



Could you help me?

Don't touch me!

И еще один анекдот:

Two men were digging a ditch (двое /людей/ копали ров) on a very hot day (очень жарким днем).

One said to the other (один сказал другому), "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch (почему мы внизу в этой дыре, яме копаем ров) when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree? (когда наш начальник стоит там наверху в тени дерева)"

"I don't know (я не знаю)," responded the other (ответил другой). "I'll ask him (я спрошу его)."

So he climbed out of the hole (он вылез из ямы) and went to his boss (и подошел к начальнику). "Why (почему) are we digging in the hot sun (на жарком солнце) and you're standing in the shade?"

"Intelligence (смекалка; сообразительность /- вот причина/)," the boss said.

"What do you mean, 'intelligence'? (что вы имеете в виду, сообразительность)"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you (ну давай, я покажу тебе). I'll put my hand on this tree (я положу руку на это дерево) and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can (я хочу, чтобы ты ударил по ней /твоим/ кулаком так сильно, как можешь)."

The ditch digger ("копальщик" рва) took a mighty swing (взял мощный размах /to take-took-taken/) and tried (попытался) to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed (отодвинул) his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree.

The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back (вернулся /to go-went-gone/) to his hole. His friend (друг) asked, "What did he say?"

"He said we are down here because of (из-за) intelligence."

"What's intelligence?" said the friend.

The ditch digger put his hand on his face (на свое лицо) and said, "Take your shovel (возьми лопату) and hit my hand."



Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day.

One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?"

"I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?"

"Intelligence," the boss said.

"What do you mean, 'intelligence'?"
The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can."

The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree.

The boss said, "That's intelligence!"
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?"
"He said we are down here because of intelligence."

"What's intelligence?" said the friend.

The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."



What do you mean?

Mrs. Herman from London was visiting (навещала) some friends in Florida when she saw (когда она увидела /to see-saw-seen/) a little old man rocking merrily away (весело покачивающегося) on his front porch (на своем переднем крыльце). He had a lovely smile (у него была приятная улыбка) on his face (на /его/ лице). She just had to go over to him (она просто должна была подойти = не могла не подойти к нему).
"I couldn’t help noticing (не могла не заметить) how happy you look (каким счастливым вы выглядите). I would love (очень хотела бы) to know your secret for a long and happy life (узнать ваш секрет /для/ долгой и счастливой жизни)."
"I smoke four packets of cigarettes a day (я выкуриваю четыре пачки сигарет в день), drink five bottles (выпиваю пять бутылок) of scotch whiskey a week (в неделю), eat lots and lots (ем очень и очень много: «множества и множества») of fatty food (жирной еды; fat - жир) and I never (никогда), I mean (имею в виду = вот уж действительно) never exercise (никогда не упражняюсь = не делаю зарядку, гимнастику)."
"Why, that’s absolutely amazing (совершенно поразительно). I’ve never heard anything like this before (я никогда не слышала ничего подобного: «такое как это раньше»). How old are you? (сколько вам лет)"
"I’m twenty six (26)," he replied.



Mrs. Herman from London was visiting some friends in Florida when she saw a little old man rocking merrily away on his front porch. He had a lovely smile on his face. She just had to go over to him.
"I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look. I would love to know your secret for a long and happy life."
"I smoke four packets of cigarettes a day, drink five bottles of scotch whiskey a week, eat lots and lots of fatty food and I never, I mean never exercise."
"Why, that’s absolutely amazing. I’ve never heard anything like this before. How old are you?"
"I’m twenty six," he replied.



I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look.

I would love to know your secret for a long and happy life.

Why, that’s absolutely amazing.

I’ve never heard anything like this before.

How old are you?



И еще один анекдот:

A very elderly couple (очень пожилая пара) is having an elegant dinner (устраивает изысканный ужин) to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary (отметить свою 75-юю годовщину свадьбы; to wed - выдавать замуж; вступать в брак). The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife (наклоняется вперед и говорит мягко своей жене), "Dear, there is something that I must ask you (дорогая, я должен тебя кое о чем спросить). It has always bothered me (меня всегда беспокоило) that our tenth child (что наш десятый ребенок) never quite looked like the rest of our children (никогда вполне не походил на остальных наших детей; rest - остаток, остальная часть). Now I want to assure you (сейчас я хочу заверить тебя) that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience (что это 75 лет были самым замечательным опытом) I could have ever hoped for (на который я мог надеяться), and your answer cannot take all that away (и твой ответ не может все это разрушить; to take away - убрать).

But... I must know, did he have a different father? (но... я должен знать, у него другой отец; different - отличный, отличающийся)"

The wife drops her head (супруга роняет = опускает голову), unable to look her husband in the eye (будучи не в состоянии смотреть в глаза своему мужу; able - умелый; способный), she paused for a moment (она помолчала секунду) and then confessed: "Yes. Yes he did (Да. Да, у него был /другой отец/)."

The old man is very shaken (очень потрясен; to shake - трясти), the reality of what his wife was admitting (реальность того, что признала его жена) hit him harder than he had expected (сделала ему больнее: «ударила его больше», чем он ожидал). With a tear in his eye he asks, (со слезой в глазу он спрашивает) "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father? (кто, кто это был, кто был отцом)"

Again, the old woman drops her head (снова старушка опускает голову), saying nothing at first (сначала не говоря ничего) as she tried to muster the courage (пока она пыталась набраться смелости; muster - сбор, смотр, перекличка; to muster - собирать/ся/) to tell the truth to her husband (чтобы сказать правду своему мужу). Then, finally, she says, (потом наконец она говорит) "You".



A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away.

But… I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed: "Yes. Yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who?... Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, "You".



Dear, there is something that I must ask you.

One day a Jewish Mother and her 8-year-old daughter (однажды еврейская мама и ее восьмилетняя дочка) were walking along the beach (шли вдоль берега, пляжа), just at the water's edge (прямо у кромки воды). Suddenly, a GIGANTIC wave flashed up (вдруг гигантская волна нахлынула) on the beach, sweeping the little girl out to sea (сметя маленькую девочку в море).

"Oh, God," lamented (застонала, жаловалась) the mother, turning her face toward heaven (поворачивая свое лицо к небу) and shaking her fist (потрясая кулаком). "This was my ONLY baby (это был мой единственный ребенок). I can't have more children (я больше не могу иметь детей). She is the love and joy of my life (она любовь и радость моей жизни). I have cherished every day (дорожила, наслаждалась каждым днем; to cherish - лелеять, дорожить) that she's been with me (который она была со мной). Give her back to me (отдай мне ее: «дай обратно, назад»), and I'll go to the synagogue every day for the rest of my life!!! (и я буду ходить в синагогу каждый день всю оставшуюся жизнь; rest - остаток)"

Suddenly, another GIGANTIC wave flashed up and deposited (вынесла) the girl back on the sand (на песок).

The mother looked up to heaven and said, "She had on a HAT!!! (на ней была шляпка)"



One day a Jewish Mother and her 8-year-old daughter were walking along the beach, just at the water's edge. Suddenly, a GIGANTIC wave flashed up on the beach, sweeping the little girl out to sea.

"Oh, God," lamented the mother, turning her face toward heaven and shaking her fist. "This was my ONLY baby. I can't have more children. She is the love and joy of my life. I have cherished every day that she's been with me. Give her back to me, and I'll go to the synagogue every day for the rest of my life!!!"

Suddenly, another GIGANTIC wave flashed up and deposited the girl back on the sand.

The mother looked up to heaven and said, "She had on a HAT!!!"



Give it back to me!



"If I were Rockefeller (если бы я был Рокфеллером)," sighed (вздохнул) the Hebrew teacher (учитель), "I'd be richer than Rockefeller (я был бы богаче, чем Рокфеллер)."
His friend asked (его друг спросил), "What do you mean? (что ты имеешь в виду) How could you be richer? (как бы ты мог быть богаче)"
"I'd do a little teaching on the side (я бы еще немножко давал уроки побочно = подрабатывал бы уроками; side - сторона, бок)."



"If I were Rockefeller," sighed the Hebrew teacher, "I'd be richer than Rockefeller."
His friend asked, "What do you mean? How could you be richer?"
"I'd do a little teaching on the side."



What do you mean?

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers (сидя на обочине автострады, поджидая водителей, превышающих скорость /чтобы их ловить/), a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH (полицейский офицер штата видит машину еле-еле двигающуюся со скоростью 22 мили в час; to putter - двигаться медленно, вяло; возиться).

He thinks to himself (он думает /про себя/), "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder! (этот водитель так же опасен, как и тот, что едет слишком быстро; speed - скорость)" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over (и он включает лампочки и останавливает водителя).

Approaching the car (приблизившись к машине), he notices that there are five old ladies (он замечает, что там пять старых леди), two in the front seat and three in the back (две на передних сиденьях и три на заднем), wide-eyed and white as ghosts (с широко раскрытыми глазами и белые, как привидения).

The driver, obviously confused (явно смешавшись; obvious - очевидный), says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! (я не понимаю, я ехала точно согласно лимиту скорости) What seems to be the problem? (что представляется проблемой = в чем, собственно, дело)"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding (вы не гнали, не превысили скорости), but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers (но вы должны знать, что вождение медленнее лимита скорости может тоже представлять опасность для других водителей)."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour! (нет, сэр, я ехала точно по лимиту скорости, 22 мили в час)" the old woman says a bit proudly (с некоторой гордостью: «немножко гордо»).

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle (пытаясь сдержать смешок), explains to her (объясняет ей) that "22" was the route number (что "22" - это номер дороги), not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed (несколько растерянная, смущенная), the woman grinned (усмехнулась) and thanked (и поблагодарила) the officer for pointing out her error (за указание на ее ошибку).

"But before I let you go (но перед тем, как я вас отпущу), Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? (я должен спросить, все ли в этой машине нормально себя чувствуют) These women (эти женщины) seem awfully shaken (кажутся крайне потрясенными) and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time (и они не издали ни звука за все это время; to mutter - бормотать; peep - писк)," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer (о, они будут в порядке через минуту, офицер). We just got off Route 142 (мы только что выехали с шоссе 142)."



Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142."



What seems to be the problem?



И еще один анекдот:

A man really loved a woman (один человек действительно = очень сильно любил одну женщину), but he was just too shy (но он был слишком стеснительным) to propose to her (чтобы сделать ей предложение). Now he was up in his years (сейчас он был уже в годах) and neither of them had ever been married (и никто из них никогда /ever - когда-либо/ не состоял в браке; neither [`naıð∂®]; to marry - вступать в брак). Of course, they dated about once a week (конечно, они ходили на свидание раз в неделю) for the past six years (все последние шесть лет), but he was so timid (робкий; timid [`tımıd]) he just never got around (он просто так и не собрался) to suggesting marriage (предложить брак; suggest [s∂`dżest]; marriage [`m∂rıdż]) much less living together (еще меньше - жить вместе = а сожительствовать уж и подавно /не решился предложить/).

But one day (но однажды), he became determined to ask her the question (он «стал» /достаточно/ решительным, чтобы задать ей этот вопрос = он решился задать ей этот вопрос). So he calls her on the phone (он звонит ей по телефону), "June."

"Yes, this is June (да, это Джун)."

"Will you marry me? (ты выйдешь за меня)"

"Of course I will! (конечно, выйду) Who's this? (кто это)"

A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together.
But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, "June."
"Yes, this is June."
"Will you marry me?"
"Of course I will! Who's this?"



Will you marry me?

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback
because he can't figure out where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says, "Oh, dear…so are you the strip dancer from my bachelor party that I made love to after drinking too much and later we both danced on the table with all my buddies watching?”

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

Лада,

а вот еще:

On a chain of beautiful islands in the middle ofnowhere, the following people are stranded:
* Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
* Two French men and one French woman.
* Two German men and one German woman.
* Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
* Two British men and one British woman.
* Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
* Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
* Two Vietnamese men and one Vietnamese woman.
* Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
* Two American men and one American woman.

One month later, on these absolutely stunning desert islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

* The two French men and the French woman are all living happily together in a "ménage a trois".

* The two German men have a strict weeklyschedule of alternating visits to the German woman.

* The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.

* The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.

* The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and immediately started swimming to another island.

* The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

* The two Vietnamese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, laundry and nail salon, and have
gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

* The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and setup
a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of
coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.

* The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains r
relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything
they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her
look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with
her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they
could call 911 and get them all rescued off this Godforsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she
can get her nails done and go shopping.

Отличная тема!!! (тащу в норку)

An elderly lady phoned her local carrier to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called-and that on the few occasions when it did ring her pet dog always barked right before it rang. The phone repairman went to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile old woman. He climbed a nearby pole, hooked in his test equipment, and dialed her house. The phone didn't ring right away, but soon the dog barked loudly and it began to ring. Climbing down the pole the repairman found the dog was tied to the system's ground post via an iron chain and collar. The dog weas receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was dialed. After several jolts the dog would start barking and then urinate on the ground. The wet ground would complete the circuit, causing the phone to ring. Which just goes to show that some problems can be fixed by just pissing on them, and I like that!

A man was invited to a friend's home for dinner, where he noticed that his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms, calling her Honey, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, and so forth. He was impressed at this, since the couple had been married over 50 years.

While the wife was in the kitchen, he said, "I think it's wonderful that after all these years you still call your wife those cute little pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "That's not what you think...To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

* * *

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"

The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it myself in seven."

* * *

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."

Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"

Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."

Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

Manager: "Simple: the American put down on question # 5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

An old man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $80,000," the jeweller said. The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man, seeing this, said, "We'll take it." The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated: "By cheque. I know you'll need to make sure my cheque is good, so write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said. On Monday morning, a very irate jeweller phoned the old man: "There's no money in that account." "I know," said the old man, "but thanks for a great weekend!"

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss

program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands

before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in

nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.



She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss

company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later

huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.



The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing

happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find

he has lost 10 lbs.
as promised.



He calls the company and orders the 5-day 20lb weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most

stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is

wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck

that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.



Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in

excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the

next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting

in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when

he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs as

promised.



He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-

day/50 pound program. 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the

phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.' 'Absolutely, ' he

replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'



The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he

finds a huge, muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink

running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you,

your ass is mine.'


...He lost 63 pounds that week

Лада, спасибо огромное, что поддерживаешь темку я случайно удалила свой архив и теперь забываю его восстановить =)))

Polar Bear !


2 polar bears are walking around in the artic; a father and son pair. The son looks at the father and says, "Dad I got a question, are you sure I am 100% polar bear?". The father looks at his son and says, "Yes son you're 100% polar bear."

"OK" the son says.

They keep walking and about 20 min later the son again says, "Are you sure I am 100% polar bear?" The father again says, "Yes son you're 100% polar bear."

"OK" the son says .

Then about 30 min later the son says, "OK dad, be serious. Are you sure I am 100% polar bear? Are you sure there is no black bear or grizzly bear in me??" "Yes son, you're 100% polar bear, I am 100% polar bear and so is your mother. Why do you keep asking son?" The son says, "Well I don't know about you but I am freezing!"

- про медведЕй

Polar bears rules!!!

Rainbow какую темку здоровскую создали!!! как я её раньше не видела? вообще ухохоталась пока читала... анекдот про сообразительность родителям рассказала... втроём валялись
у меня тож есть парочка любимых анекдотов на английском
An 80-year-old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replied, "Sure."
She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down 'cause I know you'll forget that."
He said, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replied, "Well, I'd also like whipped cream on top. I know you'll forget that so you'd better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then went fuming into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast."


It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in my attic." "Well," answered the Priest, "That's no a sin." "But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed." "I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause." "Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question." "What is it son." "Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

After months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmudist from Odessa was granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat. At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young man and thought: This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewish because this is, after all, a Jewish district. On the other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going? I'm the only Jew in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow. Ahh? But just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and Jews don't need special permission to go there. But why would he be going to Samvet? He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, and a nice looking fellow like him must be visiting the Steinbergs. But why is he going? The Steinbergs have only daughters, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? They say that Sarah married a nice lawyer from Budapest, and Esther married a businessman from Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name. What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if they allowed him to change his name, he must have some special status. What could it be? A doctorate from the University for sure. At this point the scholar turns to the young man and says, "How do you do, Dr. Kovacs?" "Very well, thank you, sir." answered the startled passenger. But how is it that you know my name?" "Oh," replied the Talmudist, "it was obvious."

In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was! She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.
"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."


ну а тут рассказик... неприличный, туповатый, но... я честно говоря, просто плакаль...

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that the couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out". The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and, of course, a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal. Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you". "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."

I love this Doctor


Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100 % of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1 . The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2 . The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3 . The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4 . The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5 . The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
American stress is apparently what kills you.

The Man Rules

Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"
From the female side.

These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!

1. MEN are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down...
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
0AStrong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we
do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inad missible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us...

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes
you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need direc tions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
no idea what mauve is..

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's
wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you
don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topics as FOOTBALL or
motor sports

1. You ha ve enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1 . Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -to give them a bigger laugh

wonderful))))) camping

OMG

Это не анекдот, а реальная история. Подруга преподает в универе в Нью-Йорке лингвстику американским студентам. Так вот, она задает им вопрос - какой частью речи является слово will в следующем предложении: "In his will Jack left his house to his wife". У нас и ежу понятно, что will - это существительное. В группе из 26 человек-первокурсников колледжа 23 ответили, что это вспомогательный глагол.

Why I am so very smart


Recently, in a large city in France , a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said, "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?" A middle-aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.
_

To Whom It May Concern,
Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious
humans.) They have an active sex life, get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia , the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia ..

Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex?

Just look at them ... where is IT? Therefore, they don't have kids either. Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me: I want to be a whale.

P..S.. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece
of chocolate with my friends..

With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.
So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.
Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think,
¨Good grief, look how smart I am!¨

А в чем прикол? Я что-то недопоняла...
Если существительное - то перепутан порядок слов, но предложение читается, ок.
А если глагол - то что в итоге-то получается?
Или я тупицо...


Конь с остеохондрозом -